


Kanawanu Yume mo Aru to (There are also dreams not coming true)

by vogue91



Category: Arashi (Band), Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Secret Relationship, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-24 16:21:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14359134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “I... I’ve been thinking about it for a while, Satoshi. Well, I’d say I’ve thought enough about it. I’ve tried to tell myself it makes no sense, that perhaps I’m wrong because it had never happened to me to feel the way I do now, but in the end I had to cave. It’s not a mistake, as much as I’ve tried to pretend it was.”





	Kanawanu Yume mo Aru to (There are also dreams not coming true)

Sakurai breathed in deeply in the freezing nightly air.

It was Monday night, and he had just finished News Zero.

He had gotten out the studios and had looked around, as if he didn’t know what to do.

He had started walking, wanting to clear his mind.

He should’ve gone back home. He should’ve slept, because he wasn’t going to be able to next morning.

He should’ve take a taxi, give the driver his home address and not think about it anymore.

But there was something inside of him telling him that this was what he _should’ve_ done, not what he actually wanted to do.

It was a thought that had been tormenting his for weeks; months, maybe.

He couldn’t say he hadn’t thought about it thoroughly, by now. And yet, as much as he had, he still couldn’t pinpoint exactly how he felt, he couldn’t put an order to all those feelings pervading him each time he was with him.

He sighed.

He actually took a cab.

But what he gave the driver, was Ohno’s home address.

 

~

 

He was in front of the door.

He had arrived at least ten minutes before.

He couldn’t ease the tension that had assailed him during the taxi ride, in any way.

He had brought his hand close to the bell at least fifteen time, by that time.

He kept repeating himself he shouldn’t have been there.

Because it was late and Ohno was sleeping for sure. Because he had no reason to be there. Because, even if the other man would’ve opened, what was he going to say?

Nevertheless... had he left now, he was sure he was going to regret it.

Arriving there hadn’t been easy; not with all the times he wish he had done that, all the times he had decided to get out of home and go there, because he was tired of overthinking it all day long.

Now that he was there, he wasn’t going to leave.

He raised his finger to the doorbell, and this time didn’t pull it back. He pressed it once, and then waited.

It wasn’t long before he heard the lock click, and the door opened, revealing a pretty surprised Ohno.

He hadn’t been sleeping, he realized; he wore a shirt and slacks, both slightly stained, and on his shoulder a colour-stained rug.

“Sho-chan! What are you doing here at this time?” he asked, his voice low.

“Hi, Satoshi. Forgive me, I know it’s late. Am I disturbing you?” he asked.

The elder kept looking confused.

“No, don’t worry, I was painting. Did something happen?” he questioned, revealing a certain anxiety that the other routed right away.

“Nothing happened, don’t worry. I’ve just finished with News Zero and... I meant to talk to you about something. Can I come in a moment?”

Ohno stayed still for a split second, before nodding and moving to let him in.

“Of course you can. Come on in.” he said, waiting for the other to take off his shoes and then going to the living room with him.

He let him sit on the couch, but he stayed up.

“Would you like something to drink?” he asked, pointing at the kitchen. The younger anyway shook his head.

“No, thank you. I’m fine. I... I’m not staying long.” he added, biting down on his lip.

He saw the older man sitting down on the armrest of the chair in front of him, and all of a sudden he felt uncomfortable.

He sat straight up on the couch, upright, while he tried to undo the bundle of thoughts and words tangled up in his mind.

Ohno kept staring at him, patiently. He wasn’t stupid, he knew there must’ve been a good reason why he had shown up at his door so late, and he seemed intentioned to wait for him to tell him whatever he had to.

Sho took a deep breath, then he started talking, leaning over and lowering his eyes, so to not be forced to look at him.

“I... I’ve been thinking about it for a while, Satoshi. Well, I’d say I’ve thought enough about it. I’ve tried to tell myself it makes no sense, that perhaps I’m wrong because it had never happened to me to feel the way I do now, but in the end I had to cave. It’s not a mistake, as much as I’ve tried to pretend it was.” he said, taking a deep breath and shyly raising his eyes, looking at Ohno’s confused face. “I suppose you didn’t get much, right?” he asked.

Satoshi slowly shook his head, still staring at him.

“No, I’m sorry. I don’t know where you’re going with this.” he answered, cautious.

Sho sighed. Then he stood up, twisting his hands.

“Satoshi, I think...” he closed his eyes, and when he opened them back he looked at him. “I fell in love for you.” he said, dry.

Then, there was only silence. Almost unreal. Sho kept looking at the elder, waiting for any reaction to give him a hint as to how he had taken it.

But Ohno had frozen on the spot, frowning.

He wanted to get closer. He wanted to touch him. To shake him, until he would’ve decided to say something, _anything._

That silence was unhealthy for him.

He cursed himself; that was why during all those years he had avoided falling in love. He had made an effort, and he was sure he had done a good job. He had always been in peace, had never been hurt, not by someone else.

And right now, in that silence, it all seemed useless.

As if those years of peace had all been erased by Ohno’s stare, which didn’t say anything good.

It couldn’t have been more than a minute or two, even though it had felt like ages, when Ohno finally decided to speak.

He stood up, getting close to him slowly, as if he didn’t want to scare him, and bit on his lip.

“Sho... I’m so sorry.” he said, and the younger felt the tension breaking.

He nodded, like a robot, sucking on his lower lip and trying his best not to scream.

What had he expected, after all?

What had he wanted for him to say?

They had been known each other for years, and just recently he had found his eyes being magnetically attracted by Ohno, how his mind was almost unwillingly full of images of him, how he felt some indefinite thing he had managed to classify as love, at great cost.

It hadn’t been easy to accept; it hadn’t been because he was a man, because he was his friend, because he was scared of what was going to happen.

And while he was busy worrying about all of this, he had never thought about what he was going to answer.

He was floored. But still, it made sense.

He had never felt like Ohno could feel something more for him, so thinking about it, his answer should’ve been pretty obvious.

He stayed in front of him, breathing heavily, and he couldn’t think about anything to say.

The elder was the one to break the silence, talking first.

“It’s not your fault or something. I... I’m glad you told me, really, but... I’m sorry I can’t do something, that I can’t love you back. You’re my friend after all, and I would never hurt you. You know that, don’t you?”

Sho was trying his best to find an appropriate answer to what the other man had just said, when he heard a noise coming from the bedroom.

He frowned, confused, and turned toward the door the moment it opened.

“Oh-chan, who the hell are talking to?” Nino asked, getting out the room, his face sleepy and irritated. He moved his eyes, seeing Sho and barely waving.

“Hi, Sho-chan. What are you doing here at this unholy hour?” he asked, squinting.

Sho was frozen. His mind started creating on its own images he didn’t want to see, subjecting him to them like a torture.

“Ni-Nino.” he murmured, without daring to look at Ohno. “I’m sorry, I had come here to talk to Ohno about something. I didn’t mean to wake you up.” he hesitated, not knowing whether to go on or not. “And what are you...?” he said, leaving the sentence hanging.

He younger smiled to Ohno, a complicit smile, then looked back at him.

“Well, so I suppose you’re going to be the first one to know.” he said, suddenly looking happy. He got closer to Satoshi, wrapping an arm around his waist. “It hasn’t been long, but Oh-chan and I are together.” he said, almost proud.

“Oh.” Sho said, feeling incredibly stupid.

Ohno elbowed Nino slightly, but the younger seemed to ignore him; so he looked apologetically at Sakurai, who was still looking at them, as if trying to make something of all of that.

But it didn’t make any sense, not for him.

He put on a fake smile and backed off slowly, going to the door.

“It’s better if I go now. It’s late, I don’t want to bother you any more than this.” on the doorstep, while he quickly put his shoes back on, he took a deep breath. “Congratulations.” he said then, forcing his voice so that he could hide how he actually felt.

He heard Nino wishing good night and Ohno calling his name, but he was out already.

He went fast outside the building, then he took a deep breath.

Then another. Then another. And another one.

He felt his heart beat too fast, too much for it to be normal, and he couldn’t cool off.

He didn’t know what to do.

Ohno’s rejection had hurt.

Nino’s happy face, the complicity between them, it was like a stab in the middle of his chest.

The wish to scream had become stronger, but it wasn’t time nor place.

He wished he could’ve materialized at his apartment, where he could’ve vented all the worst instincts he felt right now; he walked for a few blocks, his mind confused, when he finally saw a cab and stopped it with a harsh gesture of his hand.

He muttered his address and then let go against the backrest, leaning his forehead on the window, feeling some sort of relief finding it cold.

When he was finally home, when he had closed the door behind him, he finally screamed.

Perhaps the scream would’ve scared the neighbours, perhaps it would’ve worried them, perhaps they wouldn’t even hear it; he didn’t care, he didn’t care about anything right now.

He let go against a wall, feeling exhausted all of a sudden, too much to even reach the couch.

He slipped on the floor, clawing at the cold floor as if he wanted to rip it.

He couldn’t even cry.

He knew how close Ohno and Nino were, he wasn’t blind.

He knew how close they were, but he had never believed that there could be something more than a friendship there, as unhealthy as it was.

Seeing Nino inside that house, seeing him touch Ohno in that familiar way, so different from the fanservice he had witnessed during the years, had made him feel like he was falling into darkness.

He didn’t want to cry. He wasn’t used to it, to show how he felt, not to others nor to himself.

Crying would’ve meant showing his pain. Crying would’ve broken that shield he had so strenuously built to protect himself from situation just like this one.

No, he didn’t want to cry.

He didn’t want to tell himself he had been defeated, even though that’s how he felt.

He had crossed the line of what he would’ve normally done. He had discarded his upbringing, his nature, all those little things that seemed wrong with loving Ohno, and he had dared.

He wasn’t the kind of guy who dared. _Ever._ And right now he realized he had always been right hiding his head beneath the sand, because he couldn’t still understand how the weight on his stomach, now gone, could’ve been better than this pain so sharp, so fresh.

He stood up, slightly unsteady. He stumbled to the bedroom, forcing himself to change and going under the blankets.

He wasn’t going to sleep, he was aware of it.

And the warmth of that bed was almost suffocating, but for that night he was done with coldness.

 

~

 

The next morning was horrible as he had foreseen, perhaps even worse.

He had gone to the studios, aware of the fact he couldn’t exempt himself.

Work was work, and there was no wound justifying his absence. Especially when it wasn’t on his body, in sight, bleeding, painful.

It didn’t make it hurt any less.

He had hoped he could’ve avoided Ohno, but his hopes were annulled the very moment he entered the room and found Aiba there with the eldest.

The latter raised his eyes quickly, going toward him.

“Excuse us a moment, Aiba-chan.” he said to the other man, who had stared confusedly at them. “Sho, can I talk to you for a moment?” he murmured, eloquently, pushing him out the room.

Closed the door behind his back he turned toward him, a guilty expression on his face.

He had waited for a moment, before starting to speak.

“Sho... I’m sorry about what happened last night. I truly am. Perhaps I should’ve told you about Nino straight away but... well, I was surprised. And it’s like I’ve said yesterday. Believe me, please _believe me_ , I would never do something to hurt you. But...” he paused, like exasperated. “I really don’t know what to do.” he said, lowering his eyes.

Sho sighed, trying to gather up all his strength.

He had had the whole night to think about it.

He wasn’t so stupid as to think he could’ve pretended nothing had happened, and he knew he should’ve had this discussion with Ohno.

He had chosen what to say and how to act. He had chosen the only thing he could’ve done.

“Satoshi... I’m the one who’s sorry. I shouldn’t have taken it so lightly, I shouldn’t have put this burden on you. I had no idea about your relationship with Nino, and had I known that I would’ve never told you what I did.” he paused. “But you mustn’t worry about me. After all, I came to talk to you about a doubt, right? I’ve said I have... fallen in love with you.” he pronounced the last words with some troubles. “But it’s nothing serious. Well... I’m sure it’s temporary, nothing you should trouble yourself with. A little time and it’s going to go away, I’m sure of it. It’s likely I’m just confused, and I can’t name certain feelings. I just need time to put an order to them, but it doesn’t change a thing between us.” he said, then seemed to change his mind and added. “I’m glad about you and Nino. I really am.”

Ohno stared at him. Sho knew he was evaluating to what point he should’ve believed him, but didn’t give him time to reply to any of his statements. “Let’s go, the others are going to be here shortly, ,and we’ve got work to do. Okay?” he said, pointing at the door.

Ohno gave up. He nodded shortly, still not convinced.

“Fine, Sho.” he hesitated. “You would tell me if you had a problem, wouldn’t you?” he asked in the end, with the tone of who wanted to be reassured. And the other complied.

“Of course I would, Satoshi. You’re still my friend, aren’t you?” he said, half-smiling.

The elder nodded, then tamely followed him inside the room.

Sho went sitting next to Aiba, apologizing for not having greeted him before, and then started reading the paper, distracted.

Not one of the words he had told Ohno was true.

He wasn’t fine, he wasn’t going to be any time soon.

He wasn’t confused, he knew how he felt, and had had the definitive confirmation when last night he had felt the ground opening beneath his feet.

But it was the only thing he could’ve done.

It made no sense for the both of them to suffer.

He would’ve held on to his pain waiting for it to pass, because nothing was going to help him.

He would’ve held on to that love, preserving it like the thought of the first time he had actually loved someone. Even though he had lost.

He wasn’t going to let it happen again. He wasn’t going to feel like this again.

He owed it to himself.

He had never fallen in love, up to that point in his life.

And now, he could do nothing more than hope it was never going to happen again.


End file.
